Red
by thraxbaby
Summary: Moments of red hints at a devastating secret and Regina tries to figure out what the hell it means. Deals with self-harm. SwanQueen end.


_Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap..._

Whatever Emma was doing, it was annoying Regina immensely. She wanted to rip that stupid red rubber band from Emma's wrist and toss it clear across the room. Why did she have that thing, anyway? She'd noticed it before. Emma had been wearing it for weeks now, always snap-snap-snapping away. Before Regina could yell at Emma to stop, the meeting they were in was soon finished and they all went home for the day.

"Miss Swan," Regina said once they were alone, "Please refrain from driving everyone crazy with your incessant snapping."

"Huh? Oh! Sorry..." Emma immediately snatched the rubber band from her wrist and dropped it in the nearby waste basket. Regina was surprised, to say the least. She hadn't expected Emma to even listen to her, much less an immediate response.

"Thank you." Regina stated before walking off.

...

The rubber band was quickly replaced by a red pen. Whenever Emma had a spare minute, she was always pulling out that red pen and drawing on her pale wrist. It was a mystery how she didn't run out of room. Regina's curiosity had her glancing at what Emma was drawing, but Emma hid it well. In fact, it was rapidly becoming warmer each day, but Emma stuck with long-sleeved shirts and sweaters. If anyone asked Emma if she was hot in them, Emma always denied she was, even if Regina could spot the sweat dripping down her neck and a flush in her cheeks.

Regina spoke to Emma about it. _I can't have you fainting from overheating!_ she'd said. She tried to roll up Emma's sleeve and spotted "DON'T" written in red ink before Emma snatched her wrist back and stormed off.

...

Emma was avoiding her. It was obvious as Emma refused to look Regina in the eye, opting to pull her red leather jacket closer around her body and walking the other direction. That damn leather jacket, which has not left Emma's body in two weeks, despite the heat. She isn't sure why the hideous thing is so important to the blonde, and it's getting on her nerves.

It's been six months since they returned from the Underworld empty-handed. But she wasn't the only one who lost someone they loved. Regina lost Robin, Zelena lost Hades. The sisters had worked through their problems and were already recovering. Emma had instead disappeared into her house and was rarely seen until Henry was able to bring her back into society. They all thought she was doing well...

...

Henry had forgotten his homework at his other mother's house and since Emma was busy, he gave Regina his key and asked if she could get it for him, pretty please with sugar on top? Of course, Regina complied.

Regina unlocked the door to the little house Emma took over during her Dark One days and let herself in. The house was small - only theliving room and kitchen on the first floor, and two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. Regina quickly located Henry's room and found his homework sitting on his dresser. Regina picked it up and was about to leave when she spotted Emma's bedroom door ajar. She knew she shouldn't do it, but Emma had been acting odd lately and Regina wanted to figure out what the matter was.

The door was opened and Regina looked around. Baby blue and white striped blankets covered a Queen-sized bed. A red plush ghost - from Pac Man, Regina remembers - sat upon the pillows. A desk sat in a corner; upon it sat a small pile of books, a bag of rubber bands, a ... is that a Harry Potter coloring book? Even Henry outgrew coloring books. A very destroyed Wreck This Journal also sat on the desk.

Poking out from under Emma's pillow was a leather bound book. Regina picked it up and found it was a journal. She was about to put it back, when her name caught her eye. She couldn't stop herself from reading the passage.

 _Oh God it's all my fault. Why couldn't I just accept it? Why am I so desperate? If I'd just accepted Killian's death, Regina wouldn't have lost her soul mate. She probably hates me. I put everyone in danger - My parents, Regina, Robin, HENRY! - just because I can't let go._

 _I want to do it again... the_ thing _. I can feel it tingling beneath my skin, just under the surface. I want to do it so bad._

Do it? Do what? Was Emma okay? Regina became concerned and continued to read another passage.

 _I did it. Oh God. I thought I had it under control, but I just had to get it out. Regina yelled at me again. Normally, I wouldn't care, but lately it feels like everything is jumbled up. I can't do anything right. Nothing I do is good enough, especially with Regina. I mean, look at us! I'm sloppy and poor and stupid, while she's smart and clean and perfect and one of her outfits is worth more than I am._

 _I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. One part of me desperately wants to just disappear, to just break apart like I broke everything else. Then another part says I have to be here, to act normal, to pretend like I'm not hurting all the time. I can pretend a little longer, right?_

Regina felt guilty for reading Emma's most personal thoughts, but if she was in trouble... Regina skipped to the most recent entry.

 _I think Regina knows. She keeps staring at me. She can't know. I know she'll just yell at me._

The sound of something falling in the bathroom caught Regina's attention. Regina dropped the journal and Henry's homework on the bed and went to check out the sound. She opened the bathroom door to find Emma on the bathroom floor. She was conscious, but seemed disoriented. Blood was dripping from her wrist onto the floor and in her other hand, she held a razor. A dismantled shaver littered the floor by the waste basket. There was so much blood.

"Emma?" Emma looked up and saw Regina. Fear flickered in her eyes.

"Regina, I-" Regina hushed Emma, taking the razor from her hand and tossing it in the trash. She magically stitched the blonde's flesh back togther, then began wiping away the blood. Once Emma was cleaned up, she led Emma to her room and laid her down. Emma laid facing away from Rgina. She couldn't bear to see the judgement that was most likely in Regina's eyes. Soon, a hand ran through blonde curls, lightly scratching her scalp. Emma quickly fell asleep.

...

Regina's head was a whirlwind of thoughts. She had to call her secretary, telling her she was going to take the rest of the day off, she dropped Henry's homework off, then made it back to Emma's to clean up all the blood. So that was it. Emma had a problem with self harming. Suddenly, it all made sense. The reason why she never took off her jacket...

Regina kept herself busy by cooking some soup. She couldn't keep thinking of the broken woman upstairs. Emma had always seemed so strong, like nothing could touch her. She was a good mother to Henry, she did her job well, she had powerful magic - even if she didn't use her full potential - and she was a good friend. They were like sisters, laughing together over a glass of cider, talking about life and family and Henry. Who knew she would fall so low?

With the soup done, Regina went back upstairs to check on Emma. Emma was in the same spot Regina had left her, but her eyes were open.

"Would you like some soup?" Regina asked gently.

"Not hungry." Emma muttered.

"You lost a lot of blood. You should eat." Regina said.

"What do you care?" Emma mumbled.

"You're my friend, Emma. Of course I care." Regina sat beside Emma and went back to scratching Emma's scalp. They sat there in silence for a while before Regina asked, "Have you done this before?" Emma nodded.

"I was able to stop before, it's why I got this." Emma showed Regina her flower tattoo. Regina looked closer and saw thin, silvery lines beneath it. Regina understood the symbolism. It was a shield, a promise that things can get better. But sometimes shields can be broken...

Regina rolled up her sleeve and showed Emma the ink on her own arm.

"You're not alone, Emma." Emma examined the feather tattoo. Emma looked up to Regina for an explanation.

"I was young and I felt trapped. I didn't feel magic was the way out and I just wanted my misery to end. I was out on my balcony when the railing gave way. I fell over the edge... but I wasn't afraid. If I was to die, accident or not, at least I wouldn't be miserable any longer. But Tinkerbell saved me. She showed me happiness was possible for me, but I was scared. I ran back home and sat under my apple tree. I began to wonder if I'd just given up on my only chance of a happy ending. Then, a feather fell at my feet.

"Fast forward a couple decades, and I was starting to have problems with Henry. He'd told me he hated me, I was evil, I didn't love him. I was crying in my room and I begged for a sign things were going to get better. My window was open, and in blew a feather. The coincidence was uncanny, so I called Graham to watch Henry and I walked right into the tattoo parlor and got this done. I was emotional and impulsive, but I needed some kind of reminder that things could get better, even if I didn't believe it myself." There was a long moment of silence.

"I didn't mean to do it." Emma said. "Well, I did, but not so hard. Usually I would just scratch the surface, but my hand was shaking and I cut deeper on accident. It wouldn't stop bleeding. I tried other things instead of cutting, but they just annoyed everyone."

"The rubber bands? Oh, Emma, I'm sorry. If I'd known-"

"It's fine." Emma said, but Regina shook her head.

"If it helped your mental health, then it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks." Regina said. "And a minor annoyance is better than you having another accident."

Emma said nothing, but Regina knew she was considering her words.

"You're okay now." Regina soothed, smoothing back Emma's hair. The amount of love and care coming from that simple gesture swelled in Emma's heart and overflowed, causing her to tear up and begin to sob into her pillow. Regina was patient with her as she rubbed Emma's back and whispered soothing words.

...

Emma was freshly showered and in a pair of her most presentable pajamas, with a bowl of warm soup in hand as she and Regina sat on the porch, listening to the crickets and enjoying the cool evening.

"I think you should start seeing Dr. Hopper." Regina said.

"No." Emma refused.

"Please, Emma. I would suggest seeing a therapist in Boston, but I'm sure some of your problems cannot be understood by someone not in Storybrooke." Emma didn't make eye contact, but nodded and sipped her soup.

The two women stayed up, looking at the stars, talking in their easy way as if nothing was wrong. That is, until Regina deemed it bed time. Suddenly, Emma was afraid. Afraid of being left alone in that house with her toxic thoughts, the thoughts that caused this accident.

"Regina? I... umm... never mind."

"Emma, what is it?"

"I don't think... I should be... alone." Emma looked so small in that moment, and Emma knew it. She was about to quickly change her mind, because if Regina didn't want to...

"I'll stay. Go upstairs and get ready for bed. I just need to call Henry."

...

Regina had never had a sleepover before; Emma only once. Laying beside their best friend was nice in itself. Regina, clad in a sky blue silk pajama set, curled up beside Emma in the Queen bed. They faced each other, so much wanting to be said, but both unsure how to voice them.

"Emma," Regina whispered, "When did you start cutting?"

"I was sixteen. I'd ran away from my last foster home because they were going to send me back. I was convinced that if I didn't have a forever home by then, no one would ever want me. It went on until one day one of the cuts became infected. I had no money to go to a doctor, so I stopped because I was afraid it would make me sick. When it became better, I got the tattoo as a reminder to not let it happen again. Shortly after, I met Neal."

"What brought it on this time?"

"I was so desperate and lonely, I endangered us all just to get Hook back, yet all that happened was you, Zelena, and I lost our loves. If I'd just accepted Hook's sacrifice, you'd have had your happy ending." Emma answered. "I thought you hated me."

"I can't hate you, Emma. And if you hadn't brought us down there, I never would have made up with my sister, Zelena would never have met our mother. From every tragedy comes something good, and vice versa. Neither _causes_ the other, it's just the balance of life." Emma considered Regina's words. She supposed Regina was right. Neal betrayed her, but gave her Henry. She gave her baby boy up, yet made a lonely woman very happy. She found her family and lost lovers... Life was both good and bad. If something bad happens... it only means good things are coming.

"Thank you, Regina." Emma said as she snuggled closer. Regina kissed Emma's forehead.

"You're welcome."

 **A.N.: If any of you out there are struggling with depression, self-harm, etc. always remember, you're not alone. You have no idea how many people around you are feeling the same way, yet somehow find the strength to keep going. I hope you find your strength, as well.**


End file.
